Category: Personal

If it’s not one thing…

Posted on

So I feel like I need to explain why I’ve disappeared from the online world and haven’t returned anyone’s emails in basically forever…  Just as I was beginning to feel somewhat normal again after Aidan’s birth, I developed intense pain in my left leg.  Apparently I developed a blood clot in my leg and it passed into my lungs.  So I was back in the hospital last week, on all types of medications, and feeling like complete crap.  I can’t breastfeed Aidan, I can’t stand on my leg, and I am just plain sick of being miserable (and not a little freaked out at being diagnosed with a life threatening issue).  I should have expected something like this to happen with this “if it can go wrong it will” pregnancy,  but good grief.

So that’s me for now.  Just thought I’d let you know.

Read more

Mommy Mode

Posted on

Thank you all for the congrats and everything. I’m slowly recovering from giving birth and am slowly re-entering the world. Aidan and I are both doing well. I’m still in lots of pain (and rather drugged up) and haven’t slept much, but that’s how these things go!

To give the basic info. Aidan was born last Wednesday June 11 by emergency c-section. I went through the whole labor thing only to discover that he was positioned face up with his neck tilted back. It would have caused him severe trauma to be born vaginally, so I was rushed to have a c-section. I had to be completely put under and Mike couldn’t be in there, but the result was a healthy baby boy. If you are really interested, I posted the full birth story here. There are also more pictures and our reasons for choosing the name Aidan Elessar on the baby blog.

So I have no idea when I’ll get back to posting reguraly here, I’m taking things a day at a time at this point. But I can direct you to a piece I wrote for the Jesus Manifesto blog’s writing contest on Pentecost. I had a great time exploring themes on how the Holy Spirit works.

Read more

Life Update

Posted on

So yes I am still alive. No the baby isn’t here yet. Despite near constant contractions (literally all day, everyday…) I am not in real labor yet. But the false labor leaves me so mind-numbingly distracted and in so much pain that I am getting very very little done (unless watching hours of the Food Network and reading Emma dozens of books count as something…).

Anyway, in lieu of a real post, here’s a fun picture I took the other day (from a moving car window of course). Talk about truth in advertising…

Read more

What’s Up With Me

Posted on

So I seriously feel like I am in la-la land most of the time these days. I’m not blogging or getting into good conversations anywhere near as often as I used to. I’m not reading nearly as much as I used to either (and I have a huge stack of to review books piling up…). So my apologies (mostly to myself) and as my excuse a bit of an update on my personal life.

Some of you may read my baby blog and know some of this stuff already, but I thought I’d give a more general update here as well. Basically I feel huge, miserable, and could be having the baby any day now. Seriously. Technically I am only at 34 weeks (out of 40), but I should mention that Emma was born at exactly 34 weeks. With all of the preterm labor issues I’ve been having that means that I could be having the baby any time in the next six weeks. While I so don’t want a preemie again or the extended NICU stay, I am also really ready not to be pregnant anymore. When I walk into my doctor’s office and she look at me pitifully and says “what more can this pregnancy do to you?” I know at least she understands as well.

Let’s see. Five months of constant nausea, not eating, and being hospitalized for dehydration. Preterm labor issues for which I have received weekly hormone injections (which really hurt). Serious vertigo and dizziness issues that have restricted my driving and basic standing at all. Heart troubles that sent me for multiple testings by a cardiologist, have me wearing a monitor constantly (which I am having an allergic reaction to), and affect my ability to breathe. My blood tests are all over the place, I have too much amniotic fluid, I am seeing maternal specialists, getting weekly non-stress tests, and taking crazy amounts of pills (something I generally avoid). The specialists don’t know if my body can handle being pregnant past 35 weeks or so. So at this point we are trying to reach a balance of what is safe for me and safe for the baby. It is all a bit stressful and crazy and time-consuming. So while I spend most of my time just at home on the couch, I don’t always feel well enough to do much of anything. I feel really stupid just laying there trying to make the contractions stop or trying to bring my heart rate down enough so I can actually breathe. I can’t take care of Emma any longer and only leave the house if I know I can be sitting at all times (I faint if I stand too long). I’m not sleeping at night, my maternity clothes are all too small, and I lose my breath just walking from the couch to the bathroom. Fun times.

And I feel really stupid and evil complaining about all this and using it as an excuse for why I’m check-out half of the time. Though all of this I’m just hoping and praying for a healthy baby and am very thankful to be having another child. I just hope to be waking up at 4AM to feed a healthy baby soon instead of laying awake struggling to breathe. So much has gone wrong already this pregnancy, but thankfully it’s all been with me not the baby. He seems to be happily growing and kicking along (a lot).

Anyway just thought I’d share, give my excuses for my rather sporadic web presence, and ask for prayers in this last stretch. Thanks.

Read more

Via Christus Retreat

Posted on

This past weekend we had our annual (and final) Via Christus Retreat. It was a strange time in that the church is wrapping up soon and a number of the small group we have left will be moving all over the country within the next month or so. So naturally we spent a lot of time reflecting on such things this weekend. Our theme was “Walking by Faith” and we focused on looking back at our spiritual journey and looking forward in hope to where God is taking us next. Many of us are facing significant life changes very soon, so time for prayer and spiritual reflection on those changes helped us process.

We also had a great time together. I of course enjoyed just hanging out on the couch for most of the time. But we played board games, ate lots of yummy food, and just had a good time together. I’m still trying to recover from an emotionally intense and rather sleepless weekend though (pregnancy + camp beds = no sleep).

Read more

Self Help and the Bible

Posted on

I have a really hard time with self-help books. I am always finding them to be either too specific or too generic. Either the book gives you a blueprint for the exact 12 things you need to do to improve whatever in your life or it gives no practical advice whatsoever. I generally find the overly specific suggestions laughable. I’m okay with lists of possible ways one can say encourage creativity in your kids – I have the freedom then to adapt what I find useful to my circumstances. But I’m not a fan of the formulaic step-by-step scripts for ensuring a compliant child or showing your husband you appreciate him. How cheezy is it to assume that all people are exactly the same and that saying a certain sequence of words will have the same effect on every child or husband? Maybe it’s my inner non-conformist emerging, but I don’t do scripts like that.

But I also equally dislike overly generic self-help books. These books present ideas that sound great – of course I want to “be a better friend” or “love my child unconditionally” – but they are lacking in specific advice for how exactly to do that. I’m sick of books that latch onto one phrase and repeat it incessantly without ever fleshing it out. I find this a lot in devotional books. They can be all about drawing closer to God, but I think they assume that if they just convince me that I need to draw closer to God (by endless repetition of that phrase) then it will magically happen. Did they ever stop to think that I would never have picked up the book if I wasn’t already looking for ways I could make that happen? That’s why I don’t “do” devotional books, I find them generally pointless. I’m Goldilocks searching for the just right balance motivational concepts and practical advice and so far it’s been hard to find.

So as I was reflecting on some of the disappointing books in this genre recently, I began to think about how this relates to some of my issues with the Bible. Often the way the Bible was presented to me fell into one of these extremes. Either it was taught in sweeping generalities (if you just believe/trust/pray everything will work out). Or it was interpreted with the addition of long lists of how exactly one should live (here are the words you can never say, the movies you can never watch, the ideas you can never question in order to be a good Christian or a Christian at all). I got sick of these interpretations. The Bible felt trivialized, it was just another bad self-help book that didn’t deliver. It felt wrong to read a single verse about the early church praying in Acts and then be told just to pray more (or be given the formula for prayer). It didn’t work for me.

It took years before I realized why this self-help spiritualization of scripture bothered me. As with most self-help books it didn’t come across as genuine or authentic. I wanted something that made sense within the context of real life, not just a mantra I could chant. So it helped once I started reading whole passages at a time from the Bible and paying attention to the historical context of the whole thing. Verses no longer mere devotional ideas, but part of a bigger picture. The church in Acts didn’t just pray, they prayed for specific things and “therefore” certain things occured in their communities. It was all authentic and meaningful within certain contexts and in relation to individual lives. To me that’s much more meaningful than slogans or lists of rules. Ideas, plus guidelines, plus examples make sense to me. That’s the type of “just right” advice I can follow and learn from. But maybe that’s just me.

Read more

Guilt and Unity

Posted on

Something I often find myself struggling with is the call to be unified with other believers and my ability to put up with crap (to put it bluntly). I know I should get a better attitude and try to be more open and understanding and all that, but it honestly is a struggle. It’s not that I don’t intellectually acknowledge that we are all part of the church universal or that I don’t see other believers as brothers and sisters in Christ. But there are times when spiritually I just can’t handle week after week of soul-crushing interaction, theology, or worship. And I’m really sick of being made to feel guilty because of it.

Recently I have encountered numerous accusations against the emerging church that we are an elitist denomination who doesn’t know how to play well with others. Because we express dissenting opinions or rethink the mechanics of church, we are the outsiders who are destroying the church. If we would just shut up and deal then all unity will be restored or something. To an extent I understand that. There is so much division in the church that even unintentionally causing more is difficult for me. But the conditions of such unity are often too hard to accept. If I have to stop thinking and asking questions is it worth it? If I have to accept that shallow prayer requests, trendy music, and listening to lectures is all I need for spiritual growth? If I have to pretend that fill-in-the-blank “bible” studies (followed by craft time) are the only theology women need? Or that my highest calling is to be a good mom? I can understand that such things might work for some people, but I can’t do it. So why am I constantly told that I am wrong and divisive because of that?

I’ve heard from so many others who have completely left the church because of these issues. If they didn’t fit into one particular packaging of the church they were made to feel guilty. And of course leaving the church for the demonized denomination down the street was out of the question, so they just stopped going to church. The homogeneous one size fits all church appears to be all about unity of faith, but in reality how many people have had their faith destroyed because of it? I have way more questions than answers here. And I am sure that I’ve offended traditionalists of a variety of stripes. But as I become more comfortable with who I am and with choosing to seek God, I get more and more disturbed by the accusations leveled against me by those who boxes I don’t fit into.

Read more

An Evening with Anne Lamott

Posted on

I had a fun evening tonight as I got to go hear one of my favorite authors – Anne Lamott. She was doing a booksigning/Q&A event at a local college and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear her. Traveling Mercies is the most raw and honest book on faith I have ever read, and Operating Instructions is the same for parenting books. I appreciate her witty “tell it like it is” style and never fail to be blessed by the insights she delivers from everyday life.

So seeing her speak tonight was a treat. I have to admit, she was less edgy and far more (dare I say) cute in real life than the impressions I developed from reading her work. But yes, even in the conservative of conservative DuPage County she had no fear being her die hard democrat self. But the evening wasn’t all politics. After reading a selection from Grace (Eventually), she spoke on her influences and what it takes to find one’s voice as a writer. She addressed her writing process and why she is hopeful these days (politics did play a roll there). The final question of the evening involved what hope does she see for the church in America. I enjoyed her answer which did touch on the move away from the religious right’s grasp, but focused more on seeing the church choose to follow the example of Jesus. Of choosing to serve and care for the needs of others, and of capturing a vision of a better world.

I’m a fan and I’ve been blessed by her writings. So it was really fun to hear from her in person and to finally meet someone whose story has helped shape me.

Read more

Porpoise Diving Life – March 2008

Posted on

Happy Monday all. Although it is sleeting outside I am quite happy that I can actually look out my window and see something other than snow on the ground for the first time in a couple of months. We actually found newspapers that we thought had never been delivered – they were just buried. The hint of a thaw is quite refreshing. There is still the “native Texan” part of me that believes that the arrival of March heralds the start of spring (silly me, I know, but I can’t help it). Oh well, I’m pretending to ignore the forecast for more snow tonight.

Anyway the real point of this post is not to discuss the weather, but to mention the March issue of The Porpoise Diving Life (in which your’s truly has an article). John Smulo served as this month’s guest editor and pulled together a fantastic collection of articles, songs, and photos on the theme of “Be Like Jesus.” My article is called Creating Jesus in Our Image and focuses on our tendency to do just that. Just wanted to share – enjoy!

Read more