I started this blog, onehandclapping, back in 2005 when I was a new mom in the middle of deconstructing my faith and trying to figure out how I could use my voice. At first the blog was a random assortment of book reviews, commentary on politics and pop culture, silly memes and quizzes, and pictures of my life. Over the next decade as I grew in my writing and explored my beliefs it became more theology and social justice oriented. It saw the publication of my books, my experiences as a conference speaker, my time in seminary, and the development of the Emerging Church movement that I was a part of.
Then it went silent. My life got complicated. Relationships fell apart. Trauma and betrayal made it hard to even feel like writing. Special needs kids entering their teen years and all the joys and sorrows that entails took nearly all my energy and their struggles were not my story to tell. A global pandemic and the rise of fascism in the United States made living uncertain. Personal health issues lead to multiple surgeries that eventually left me with mobility issues and multiple disabilities. Life consumed me, I allowed myself to be caged, and I lost myself as a result. Then computer problems ended up deleting most of the blog and not everything was able to be recovered. I sat with an empty blog for a long time unsure of what to do with it.
And a decade went by.
So now, 20 years later, I’ve decided to republish onehandclapping. And I’m going to do it mostly as it was. Some posts have been lost to the digital nether, some posts of family pictures and updates I am leaving off, and some posts that were links go nowhere these days. But the blog is a fascinating glimpse into my development of thought and into the world as it was during that time. There are many things I wrote that I no longer agree with. There is commentary on pop culture that is no longer relevant (my speculations on what will happen on LOST) and pop culture that is now problematic (Harry Potter, Joss Whedon…). How we interact with media has change in those 20 years – pictures, memes, quizzes, and articles are now posted on Facebook or Instagram while blogs are for more serious lengthy writing. But it is a history of my story of deconstruction that shows my evolution and so it is being posted as it was written during that time. I probably will revisit some older posts as I try to explore in writing who I am now, but the archives exist as they were.
As I’ve grown older and dealt with trauma both physical and emotional, I am a different person. I’ve grown more liberal and compassionate, and yet far more timid in using my voice. I want that to change. Writing helps me and for years I’ve been too scared and stuck to write. I need to make myself speak again. I need to engage deeply with thought again, connecting ideas and stories. It will look different than it did 20 years ago because I am different. My beliefs, my interests, and my dreams have shifted as the years passed by, but there is still so much story to tell.
So, I welcome you back to onehandclapping and invite you to join me as I rediscover my voice.