Disclaimer – Really long post ahead that is sure to piss at least a few people off. Enjoy.
I’m usually very wary about Christian books that deal with sex for two basic reasons. Generally they so super-spiritualize sex that it becomes nearly indistinguishable from say a prayer meeting or worship service. Secondly I find that I usually completely disagree with the typical Christian conceptions about sex. And this is where I get in trouble. Where I cross the lines of taboo topics for decent Christian conversation and confirm people’s worst fears about me/young people/the emerging church. Where I either make people uncomfortable or just piss them off. So I usually play by the rules, avoid the topic, and let everyone assume I think like a “typical evangelical woman” (whatever that is) on the subject.
Well it’s kinda hard to keep my mouth shut when I’m sent a book to review that I have serious issues with on this topic. So at the risk of stirring up another hornet’s nest here, I have to say that I have issues with Michael Leahy’s new book Porn Nation (and honestly I continue to find it amusing that these anti-porn sites/books have porn related titles. I know it’s meant to bring porn users to them, but it also brings up all sorts of real porn when one searches for them on Google or Amazon.) The book is Leahy’s story about how his sex addiction destroyed his life. Of course it also has sections on how our culture is oversexed and some really generic ideas for spiritual healing. In all it was a very short book that I found didn’t end up saying much at all and what it did say was based on false assumptions and dichotomies.
I don’t deny that a sex addiction is harmful or that it has destroyed families. As with any addiction the potential exists to cause harm to those one loves the most. I appreciate the author’s vulnerability in telling his story and admitting how his addiction hurt others. I also don’t deny that porn can exploit and often has connections to sex trafficking, forced prostitution, rape, and slavery. Or that there are illegal and deviant forms of it. Sex can be used to hurt, control, and demean. Such injustices are always wrong wherever they occur. But as I read the book I had the distinct feeling the author was throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. His personal pain caused him to swing to the opposite extreme of viewing all sexuality as bad and to blame the sexuality in our culture for his struggles with selfishness and addiction. While I question his naïve historical view of sex (assuming that we are the first generation to ever be sexual), as well as tendency to lump all cultural expressions of sexuality under the porn label, it is his negative view of sexuality that I had the most problem with.
Early in the book as he describes his first experience with sexuality (an accidental orgasm and the thrill of seeing a topless picture of a women), the author assumes a tone of disgust and regret. From the awkward and incomprehensible “sex ed” class taught by a priest to his own sexual experimentation, the assumption is that being a sexual being is a bad thing. This is his message after working through his sexual addictions, but it is also the message I have heard my whole life from the church. Even before the recent trends within evangelical Christianity to describe the sole purpose of sex as being procreation (basically for anti-homosexual reasons), sex wasn’t something to be celebrated. In typical modern dualistic fashion, our bodies are disparaged and sexuality is seen as the basest expression of that despised flesh. Sure some books like Intended for Pleasure hinted at that aspect of sex, but only as long as there wasn’t too much pleasure involved and sex was described as really being about spirituality. Basically the vicissitudes of Platonism haunted the bedrooms and made an easy scapegoat of sexuality.
This view of sex defined the way children were raised and youth were taught. Children were taught in the most Skinneristic of fashions to be utterly ashamed of and disgusted by their bodies through the quick reproves of parents whenever they attempted to touch their genitalia. Youth pastors held the sacred honor of scaring teens away from sex by whatever means necessary. A mixed bag of fear tactics, heavy guilt, and extreme suppression usually made up their arsenal. It generally worked too (at least for appearances sake, those who “sinned” through dressing too sexily or by getting pregnant were not so subtly asked to leave). Anyone one who expresses curiosity about sex openly was silenced and generally ridiculed. But of course everyone knew that most of the guys and a good handful of the girls were exploring their sexuality on their own trying to ignore the conditioned guilt they felt at being a sexual being.
Sexual memoirs like Leahy’s just portray the continuation of this rejection of the body. At one point in the book he describes the sad situation of girls who feel like they have to “put out” for guys or dress really sexy in order to be affirmed as a person. I agree, that is bad and is part of the continued evils girls face as we emerge from patriarchy. Girls should be taught to respect their bodies and themselves. This respect includes understanding who they are as sexual beings and the best way to discover healthy sexuality. Leahy though decides to merely lament the fact that girls these days are not innocent (once again historical naivety – were they ever!?), and proceeds to blame Brittney Spears, MySpace, and rap music for the downfall of the young. Apparently denying and ignoring sex (along with figuring out how to shelter “children” from it) is preferred over teaching healthy ways to interact with it.
Of course in Christianity where sex is to be saved for marriage whole other issues arise because of a lack of healthy ways to understand sex. Girls, taught to be ashamed of sex from birth, are generally told that although they will most likely not enjoy sex they had better give it to their husbands or else it is their fault if he strays. Years of suppression and guilt are to be overcome in a night. They need to please men enough to keep them from sin (affairs, porn, fantasy…), but of course stay within healthy spiritual boundaries. Anything that indulges in the sheer physicality of sex or that encourages sexual exploration and fulfillment is taboo. Only tasteful lacy lingerie on occasion is permitted, the lights should always be off, no games or stories or toys, no sex vacations, no experimenting with positions, no movies or fantasy play, no masturbation, and, most assuredly, no talking about any of this stuff ever. Couple who do cross those lines face lingering guilt and wonder if they are doing something wrong by enjoying sex with their spouse. Women become angry and ashamed if the husband tries to be intimate in those ways. They blame his deviant sex addiction and shut their sexuality down even further.
And the resources given to help are books like Porn Nation that continue to spread the “sex is evil” lie and tack on a few pages at the end about how after years of struggle they found healing and are happily married. Sorry, but I find that lacking. I firmly believe that God created sex and that we are meant to enjoy it. Yes, I think that should happen with a committed relationship – that relational connection and intimacy being part of what it takes to be fully enjoyed imho. So I won’t deny that I am a sexual person. Nor will I play the game of attempting to hide that away by being made to feel guilty for dressing a certain way (that “way” varying depending on who is doing the judging) or just because I am a woman. I will not run from expressions of sexuality in culture or think they hold the power to destroy people (addictions and selfishness are problems, sexuality is not). I will not see the physical body as something only to be shamed by, or see developing my relationship with my husband sexually as anything I should ever feel guilty about. Yes, sex can be used to harm and destroy, but there are ways to develop a healthy sexuality that strengthens and respects people that doesn’t require the extremes of disparaging the body or suppressing sexuality.