My Struggle Today
My daughter came home from school recently with a worksheet that described life before and after Martin Luther King Jr. One side of the sheet had statements like “Before Dr. King African-American children couldn’t go to the same school as white children. Was that fair?” while the other side said “Now African-American and white children can go to school together. Is this fair?” The point was obviously an at home discussion about prejudice, but what it sparked with our daughter was a discussion about the concept of race itself.
Emma is just in kindergarten and in both preschool and kindergarten she has been one of maybe three or four white children in classes of 20-25 kids. Just going to our neighborhood grocery store or park is like attending a world cultures assembly. Needless to say, she is just used to everyone around her looking different. When she describes her friends at school, she never mentions skin color and instead differentiates her friends by the sort of hair they have. She knows and celebrates that different cultures have different holidays and types of food, but until now she has had little need to understand the construct of race.
So in discussing the world before and after Martin Luther King Jr. we had a hard time introducing her to the concept. At first we tried to explain that segregation meant that she wouldn’t have been able to be in the same school as her two closest friends (who happen to be African-American). She then wanted to know who had done something wrong to prevent them from all going to the same school. We tried to explain about skin color and race then, but she really wasn’t getting it. As far as she knows it is perfectly normal for everyone around her to have different colors of skin (and to speak with all sorts of accents), trying to explain that that didn’t used to be the case was beyond her 5 year old mind.
While I completely understand the need to teach the sins of the past so that they will not be repeated (and restitution can be made), I had to wonder if this lesson on race could do her more harm than good. If my daughter sees no reason why people would ever be different because of skin color, I don’t want to be the one explaining to her the alternative (and I completely realize here that this may be a dilemma only those in positions of cultural power wrestle with which adds a whole different dimension). As I faced this dilemma, I was reminded of the time I read her the (controversial) book And Tango Makes Three about a baby penguin that was adopted by two penguin daddies. The book that had adults all up in arms for presenting the existence of same-sex relationships to children was for her no big deal. To her a book solely about a penguin getting two daddies was boring – what others saw as extreme she accepted as normal. In that instance, I decided very quickly that I wasn’t going to try to convince her that her definition of normal wasn’t universal.
But I’m uncertain in this situation how to best guide her through these issues. I know I need to teach her truth and expose her to reality, but I don’t want to corrupt her heart by being the one to teach her about racism, bigotry, or sexism simply because I am speaking against them. I assume the evils of the world will make themselves known to her eventually, but I’d rather her think being kind and loving to all people regardless of differences is the normal way to be for as long as possible. But I am still left with days like today and school worksheets asking me to teach her about a great man by destroying what she thinks is normal. And I don’t know what to do.
julieclawson(at)gmail(dot)com 
I totally agree with you.
She's so fortunate to grow up with those concepts being normal.
Perhaps the school should be focusing on his overarching concepts like love and war?
Just acknowledge that segregation happened and let it go. There is no reason a child in kindergarten needs to understand the concept. You're under no obligation to enforce the school's policy on teaching about racism. You are her mother, your instincts are good, and you will have plenty of time to discuss the matter in the years to come.
Maybe now is a good time for her to learn that the values inside her home are not necessarily the same as the ones she will encounter outside her home and she can trust her parents to support her as she begins to "own" her family values.
I mean, "…as she begins to "own" her family's values."
I agree with you that we all need to learn about and acknowledge the sins of the past in order to move beyond them. And in the right time, Emma will do so … however, I think that age 5 is a little too young for her to begin that process. There are a lot of reasons for this … some are that her brain isn't ready and others are that her emotions aren't ready. When she is, you will be able to guide her through the process in a helpful manner.
A good friend of mine (who also homeschools) was appalled to find a standard for teaching about slavery when her son was in first grade. She decided to ignore that standard at that time because while he would need to know about that horror at some point in his life, age six was too young. He is now 14 and in my philosophy class and is a joy to teach. He's very adept at talking about all matter of things from varying perspectives. The day will come when Emma is ready to understand about race and segregation, but you do not need to force it upon her now when she is clearly so not ready. Allow her the time and space to remain a child. It's healthy.
MLK Jr. taught so much about loving one's neighbor and treating each other with kindness … that should be enough.
As always, thanks for sharing your struggles with us, Julie. I don't know the answer but your post made me think about sex ed. I think you are right in not wanting to insist that her normal is wrong. However, if you don't teach her about race within a frame that is acceptable to you, like sex ed., she'll just learn about it from the kids on the playground. Kids her age are already going through the transformation of increasingly valuing the opinions of their peers rather than their families. I don't think you have to ram the point home now but it would probably help to lay a foundation so that when she hears opposing viewpoints, she starts from a place of knowing that it's opposing, rather than accepting it as normal because she never thought about it before. Even though she's a minority at school, she's still a majority in the culture, which means she will probably be the last to notice the social construct of race and her place within it. Unfortunately, her classmates don't have that luxury.
I am with you in your objections! I find myself wanting to encourage you to challenge the school's use of an exercise like this for 5 year-olds. If you agree, then I also would encourage you to offer something to put in its place; that might make you more likely to be heard–teachers and principals get lots of complaints, but constructive alternatives are harder to come by! Even if they don't follow your exact suggestion, you'll have started a conversation AND pointed it in an appropriate direction. Louise Derman-Sparks, in the field of early childhood, has done a lot of work on anti-bias education. Here's a link for books & learning materials for children & materials for adults: http://www.naeyc.org/publications/books/supplements/antibias . And here's a link for children's books on a variety of anti-bias topics, including race: http://www.childpeacebooks.org/cpb/Protect/antiBias.php . I hope this helps!
I remember having a conversation with my niece over Christmas in which race came up and I immediately realized it was something she hadn't ever consciously thought of. I felt pretty bad and wanted to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible–I didn't want to be a part of planting those ideas in her head
On the other hand, I've read that if parents don't have deliberate conversations with their children about race their children are more likely to grow up racist. The reason for this is that racism is a systemic problem…many of us think we're not racist or that we don't see color when in fact we are/do because we're part of a system that is. It's not necessarily a choice we consciously make or something we really realize…and your daughter is likely to absorb those things in time. I have no idea about the appropriate ages for these things, and I can certainly sympathize with your longing to protect her innocence.
I didn't actually realize til college that "women jokes" weren't on par with "blonde jokes," i.e. that people really believed women were inferior or couldn't do the same things as men or fill in the blank for their sexist beliefs. College. My mother says she "may have pushed the women thing a little too far" with me, but I say, who cares? For 18 years I thought I had the same rights and opportunities as men. I thought that women jokes were dumb, like joke about the blonde who threw all the W's out of the M&M factory. A stupid way to make a silly joke at some group's expense. Fill in the blank. Substitute brunette for blonde or ginger for brunette. I didn't know those jokes were rooted in a deeper anxiety, a deeper hatred, a deeper ism (I'm now speaking of women jokes, not blonde jokes). More power to your daughter. Let her reality be spoiled when she's old enough to go afford the therapy it'll take to recover her innocence.
Sorry, but blond jokes ARE offensive. It's not just good ol' boy humor with no real intention of harm. Try being a blond woman, with a brain I might add, and see what fun those types of jokes really offer.
Sounds to me that your daughter is in the ideal school.
Rebecca – you articulated my struggle. Emma is in the culturally privileged position where race isn't as big of an issue for her personally. I don't know what I can do about that and am struggling wondering if making it an issue is the best way forward.
Julie:
It would be my suggestion to begin educating her on issues of race and privilege, immediately.
Parents understandably have some hangups when it comes to talking about complex issues like race. One of the things I sometimes hear is “I can't explain it in a way that will make sense.” I hope you never do. Racism should not make sense regardless of whether you are 4 or 104. When racism starts making sense then things like ethnic cleansing and mass rapes will start becoming justifiable.
It's true that even some adults have difficulty understanding the nuances of racism. But no one says you have to explain to your daughter the differences between individual and structural racism. It may be enough to explain to her that 50 years ago the majority of your peers would have objected to her being best friends with two black girls, that 50 years ago they wouldn't have been in the same school, that 150 years ago, her friends would have considered closer to animals than people. Folks were wrong back then and some still are now. If it bothers her that's ok…it bothers you, right? I think her seeing and feeling that, and seeing you feel the same way, will grow her far more than the pursuit of some self-centered notion of “innocence.” I respect that Emma's perception of normal with regard to relationship is good. But it's not “normal” or particularly common in the overall scheme of humanity or even this within the history of this nation, and she would be well served to hear that from you rather that someone else.
While I would disagree with a concept of post-garden innocence I will say this: It was not awareness of the Fruit of the Knowledge Of Good And Evil (TKOGAE) that cost Adam and Eve their innocence. Even the knowledge that they would “die” from eating it had no recorded affect on their existence and tragically little influence over their future choices. Adam and Even lost their innocence, not when God told them about the fruit, but when they willfully crossed that line and ate of the fruit. Now, I'm not saying the only way to lose innocence is to sin. You can, unfortunately lose your relative innocence by being a victim of sin as well. However, the mere impartation of the conceptual existence of racism is not the same as exposing your child to the visceral act of racism. In fact, it can help her identify, and call out, and refuse to participate in visceral racism whenever she has her first ugly encounter with it.
“Emma is in the culturally privileged position where race isn't as big of an issue for her personally.” Thanks for recognizing that. I don't have children, but if I did, I would not hesitate to talk to them about this subject because my children won't have even the illusion of a bubble of innocence. I would rather teach them about racism first, before others teach them racism. Knowing the sound racist shit makes as it flies through the air towards you is a valuable lesson at any age, as is knowing what to do when it gets to the intended target. You want to be my brother or my sister? No bubble for me. No bubble for you. No bubble for my kids. No bubble for your kids.
Children learn quickly, and from multiple sources. Not teaching them about racism isn't delaying their first encounter with racism, but doing so does strike at your legitimacy for taking corrective action. It wouldn't have been “fair” if God didn't tell Adam and Eve about TKOGAE berries but punished them for eating after the fact, right? What will happen when Emma comes to you sometime down the road and says: “Amy told me a good one mom: An Filipino, an Italian, and a Chinese guy walk into the sanctuary and try to figure out how much money to offer to God…” Most parents would just be “shocked.” Guess what folks? Predictable surprise. Now it's both too early and too late to take corrective action. Too early because you haven't taught the lesson, so you can't dish out the lecture. Too late because your kid's already been telling racist jokes.
The way I see it, you've got two choices. Innocence isn't one of them. The longer you try to maintain an illusion of innocence for your children, the more costly, dubious, and potentially duplicitous it will become. Parents are then left with two viable choices: you can begin to instill a sense of justice in your children now (however simple or small that kernel may start out), or your can let the world teach them what the absence of justice looks like later.
"I don’t want to corrupt her heart by being the one to teach her about racism, bigotry, or sexism simply because I am speaking against them. I assume the evils of the world will make themselves known to her eventually, but I’d rather her think being kind and loving to all people regardless of differences is the normal way to be for as long as possible."
Julie- thank you so much for your honest embrace of such a difficult question. I am a white mom of one child of color, and one white child (pre-school & kindergarten), so this is an issue that is absolutely constant in our home.
I am struck in particular by the comment above, because I can absolutely relate to it– However, for us we have found that what has worked well so far is making sure that we are the ones to teach them (age-appropriately of course!) that these institutions and sins are real, powerful, and unjust. If we do not teach it to them, our society will, both implicitly and explicitly.
It is incredibly painful, no doubt, but when children are taught things slowly, over time, it is much easier to understand than dropping it in later in life— Much the same way we speak with our kids about adoption as they grow, rather than having 'an adoption talk" or speak with our kids about sexuality — rather than having a big "sex talk." Chances are, the fact that you feel this tension and that your child sees her normal as the way she does is evidence of the inclusive Christ-like nature of your home and the discourse of unity and love that happens there.
To push the conversation here (and thank you all for the helpful input), I am really struck with the difference between responses about teaching my kid about racism and the advice I've generally been given about dealing with sexism. Most "experts" (whatever that means) say that telling kids "girls can do anything boys can do" (or similar phrases) simply instills in girls that there is a hierarchical difference between girls and boys. Yes, that difference is real in that in culture (especially in the church) the hierarchy is imposed. It is sinful and wrong, but the reality is there. Girls will have to deal with it, but as most schools are fairly egalitarian these days, statements like that have been shown to be the first introduction to girls that they might be inferior. Instead of teaching equality, it causes girls to doubt themselves and wonder if boys are superior. What is suggested instead is encouraging girls to be the best they can be, nurture their gifts, and help them develop strength and assertiveness. They will still get the "girls can't do this" and hear things like "you throw like a girl," but it is easier to dismiss those statements as nonsense when they come from jerks on the playground instead of teachers and parents. Of course girls will have to deal with years of institutionalized sexism in the workplace, the academy, and the church, they will constantly be objectified and reduced to their bodies, and they will be mocked and dismissed for being a strong assertive woman, but the fact that such evil exists doesn't mean that we give into the evil. We create the people we wish filled the world.
So where is the balance when it comes to racism and bigotry? It isn't so much innocence as it is approach. Are there positive skills to teach children about respect and embracing difference that will achieve the same outcome that is desired from the current method of first introducing them to the idea of hierarchy (even in a negative portrayal)? Can instilling positive traits help them stand against evil when it arises?
I honestly don't know. I just think there is something too working to create the world we wish we had instead of always fighting against the one we don't like. Not that both aren't needed, it just seems that fighting always seems to win.
"I just think there is something too working to create the world we wish we had instead of always fighting against the one we don't like."
That is a very helpful comment, and I believe it is the essence of Dr. King's message. You are correct that we should be collectively thinking about this together.
Julie,
I'm not familiar with the so-called "expert" advice that telling kids that girls can do anything boys can is actually instilling a hierarchical difference. I'm curious to hear more about that perspective, but it just doesn't resonate with my experience.
Coming from a Filipino immigrant family with highly egalitarian cultural values, I received a good amount of encouragement as a child in school. I never for once believed that I was inferior to a boy. But I was in for quite a shock after college when I entered the workforce and graduate school and realized that the opportunities I would have in life as an adult woman would come with limiting gender role stereotypes which my male colleagues didn't have to contend with. I wasn't oblivious to the presence of sexism and objectification of women, but no one had prepared me with the information that I would likely deal with it also in the work world and academy. Personally, I felt the incongruity sent me into a lot of self-doubt — I think having been better prepared by my parents or teachers about the reality of both racism and sexism would have equipped me to recognize them for the evils that they are.
On a separate note, I thought I'd share this link about a recent study on US children (as young as 4-5 years old) and their perceptions on race that I found pertinent to this discussion: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/05/13/doll.study/index.html
Emily, I did see that report and it is disturbing. I think I do need to clarify here (especially after Sojo reposted this with the title "Must I teach my daughter about race?") that what I am questioning here is teaching racism not race. My goal isn't to keep her ignorant for life. My point isn't to be an ignorant white person who thinks we should all just be colorblind. We do talk about differences and how everyone is beautiful and different at the same time. I am missing my left arm – so my kids very early on had to figure out that some people are differently-abled. And we talk a lot about how everyone has different skin colors – a question that also rose very early on since Emma and my husband have really dark olive skin while I am pale. From that she was able to see that there are very many different skin colors. We teach her a lot about other cultures and ethnicities. She asks why her friends' mommies wear things on their heads (they're Muslim) or why the pictures in the Indian grocery and restaurant show people painted blue. So we have lots of conversations on differences and appreciating and respecting those differences. She knows about injustices in the world. She knows about child slavery, and sweatshops, war and poverty. I have no desire for her to be in a bubble. She will learn history and of its evils (despite the fact that we live in Texas with its idiotic attempt to rebrand the slave-trade in textbooks as the trans-Atlantic triangle or something like that).
And yes, I know that institutionalized racism is all around her (as is sexism). By this age she has been exposed to hundreds of images of women in subservient roles – subtly teaching her that a woman's role is washing dishes and clothes, or wiping up counters after clueless kids and husbands. Her girl classmates wear shirts that say "cute" and "princess" while the boys wear "king of the mountain" "ruler of the world." Same thing with race. Her picture books when they include non-white faces always put them in the role of sidekick and service provider. We might get the female doctor or male flight attendant in a book, but blacks and hispanics always show up in purely physical occupations like policeman, firefighter, or construction worker. I know the racism is there. But is it best at this stage to call the authors of the books racist meanies who hurt people (which has some truth to it), or to encourage her to assume that the American caste system doesn't have to be so set in stone. If we want to destroy such systems and break glass ceilings creating children who don't assume those are just the way things are seems to be the only way to effect cultural change in a grand scale. Does it have to necessarily be a denial of reality to attempt to work for a better world from the ground up?
And I'm probably an idiot for even attempting to have this conversation. This is one of those conversations where far too many assumptions and projections about beliefs and motives get made, but I just wish there were ways for people to discuss race without being accused of operating under a denial/ignorance or victim mentality.
I was devastated when our daughters started identifying themselves and others as white instead of peach-skinned or black instead of brown / tan-skinned. The innocence of how they saw their peers, neighbors, teachers, doctors, etc. started to fade. At home, they still use "peach" and "tan / brown," but they are definitely aware of the social construct of race. Our oldest, now 10, was called a racist on the playground when she was 8 and was dumbfounded. "Mom, if I was racist, I wouldn't have any friends. Nobody looks like me at school!" That was a hard conversation to have on so many levels. Ugh.
I hear your struggle – we're there, too. Our girls are 6, 9 & 10 and are 3 of maybe 6 or 7 white kids in the school – also in the minority as middle class kids. We have tried to approach conversations from a positive perspective. We try to follow Gandhi's charge to "be the change we wish to see in the world" and manifest the Kingdom of heaven now, here on earth. So we talk straight (in age appropriate ways) about the -isms while also trying to empower them to create a world for themselves and peers that reflects our values and biblical vision for shalom.
One quick idea…we always do something on MLK day to help them understand his legacy. Outings that spark understanding or conversation have been memorable and seem to help them get a broader perspective than what they hear in school. This is a way to be proactive in addressing important issues, rather than reacting to experiences or information learned outside our home.
Great post – thanks!
No matter the age of our children if they are white they need to know the inherent power that comes with that, just as our boys need to know the power that comes from being born male. (At least for now and until white people don't hold the majority of the jobs, educational opportunities, homes, … privilege. Similarly, boys.) I think the greater challenge is to raise our kids with the courage to speak out against the -isms they see and hear. So many kids today are too apathetic or too afraid, even when they see or hear things that are wrong. It's certainly not that simple but it is that important.
Thanks for being willing to publicly share your internal turmoil. This isn't a comfortable or easy conversation.