Women, Humility, and Worth
I knew I was dreaming when Michelle Obama sat down across from me. I was wearing a formal dress sitting on one of the tall barstools at our local pub, in the quiet back corner near the dartboard. And then Michelle Obama joined me at the table and I started telling her all about my book. Halfway through explaining to her about human trafficking, I thought to myself “I must sound like a complete idiot, trying to tell the First Lady about something I am sure she knows far more about that I do.” And then the self-loathing started as I realized (while still dreaming) that even in my dreams I second-guess myself and feel like an impostor. And I wondered, why do I have to be pathetic even in my dreams?
Forbes Magazine recently posted an article on the high numbers of professional women who constantly feel like they will be called out at any moment as frauds. They are convinced that they are nowhere near as intelligent as everyone seems to think they are and so it is only a matter of time before they are revealed as frauds. The Forbes article of course pointed out how this self-doubt can be detrimental to the success of the business as a whole since when women feel like frauds they are less likely to seize opportunities presented to them. Impostor syndrome causes women to dismiss praise, add disclaimers to their statements, and constantly feel less intelligent or mature than their peers.
In short, to mirror the qualities and virtues of a nice and humble Christian girl.
So while business magazines list the dangers of women being plagued with impostor syndrome, I don’t hear it talked about often in church circles. Self-loathing among women is common, but often it seems that the most vulnerable we can be with each other in Christian circles is to admit to the surface issues. “I’m ugly” or “I’m fat” are safe struggles we can share with each other. As hard as it may be to admit those feelings, at some point we realize that there isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t feel the exact same way. We can dismiss those issues as lies our culture imposes upon us and find affirmation and healing in the love of Jesus (or something like that). But it’s harder to admit to being plagued by self-doubt issues like “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not successful enough” in a church culture where humility is considered a virtue and women are discouraged from being successful to begin with. So in addition to being scared of being called-out as frauds, in the church we fear being called-out as prideful and ungrateful if we are honest with our struggles.
Many feminist theologians though believe that while pride may be the common sin of men, for women our sin is lack of confidence. Instead of trying to make ourselves into God, we feel so unworthy that we fail to give all of our gifts to God and this world. And yet, we still are instructed over and over again in how to be humble – resulting in women staying silent out of fear of being assertive (prideful), putting disparaging disclaimers before all of our ideas, and shutting ourselves out of opportunities for success, pleasure, friendship, and service because we feel like it would be too forward of us to assume we are equal to interacting fully with our peers.
I know this isn’t everyone’s story, but I’ve seen it often enough to know it’s out there. And it’s generally a story told at the point of utter brokenness – when people are beyond having expectations matter anymore. It’s disturbing though that instead of helping people step confidently into who they were created to be, the church often instead brings people to the breaking point where they can be real only as they are ready to walk away from the church itself. There needs to be a better space for true vulnerability and for re-framing our understanding of virtue. Women shouldn’t be praised for feeling unworthy or for denying that God gave them gifts. We shouldn’t have to be conflicted between following God according to the world’s definition and actually following God. This is about more than confidence and self-worth; it’s about being truthful – something I hope could actually be valued in the church.
julieclawson(at)gmail(dot)com 
Great post – Good thoughts to ponder!
I had a church experience about three years ago where I felt as though God wanted to use me in new ways so I approached the pastors wife about what I was sensing to see if there was any guidance or place I could explore "getting my feet wet" so to speak, and she said that since I was a young mom that the place for me was to be a helper in the kids program.
I remember really struggling not because I had a hard time helping with kids but because her position was that my only value was with kids since I was a mom.
I served in that place and then a few months later, long story- wont get into it, we left that church and when we were talking to one of the pastors he said that I was not being humble by staying and serving in the kids ministry.
It was so conflicting because I know I have to watch out for pride but I also knew that I was not supposed to be where this woman was telling me to be.
Confession: Sometimes I get really frustrated when people say that being a mom is the highest calling in life. (especially when they are not really listening to the tension I feel between being a mom and also using the other gifts God has given me)
Great thoughts Julie.
What an insightful post!
I wonder if it is ok for us to say "i feel fat or ugly" because those are feelings we are "supposed" to have. They are externally focused and society/church/culture asks us to "fix" those. However, there is very little invitation for women not to doubt ourselves. We are encouraged to work harder and faster with a smile and humble heart. Our doubt benefits the church in some sick way.
My other thought on this is how do we as women not feed this in each other. How do we encourage each? I have often found that because other women are suffering under this system they promote it and defend it- as 'virtue' of course. Isn't virtue living fully into who God created us to be. Humble and confident are not mutually exclusive…..hmmmm….thanks for getting me thinking. Great post.
Esther – I know this wasn't the main point of your story (and thanks for sharing btw), but can I just say that IMHO the LAST placed a young mom should be asked to serve is with the kids. Young parents (and moms especially in our still-patriarchal society) have to deal with kids all the time. Why can't church be the one place where they can get a break, have some adult interaction, and use some of their other gifts? Why is it so hard to get older parents or empty-nesters to step up and say "We know that you're stressed out and tired of being with your kids all the time, so let us bless you by watching them for a little bit."
As a feminist, social constructionist researcher I appreciate your post. It's nice to know someone inside the church is having this conversation. Supporting the truthful efforts of women is just as important as supporting the truthful efforts of men. We shouldn't get stuck at gender, but it will take a while to unravel this notion and appreciate individuals for who they are regardless of their gender or sexual identity.
Mike, you wrote "Why is it so hard to get older parents or empty-nesters to step up and say “We know that you’re stressed out and tired of being with your kids all the time, so let us bless you by watching them for a little bit.”
I have pondered this many times… and I think it has to do with their feeling of entitlement…Since they have "been there done that" they are entitled to sit back and relax now…I also see this in the appointment system in the United Methodist Church…The older clergy get the bigger churches because they have "served their time"…Somehow we must release the sense of entitlement, and sacrifice ourselves in service…I think it could begin by patterning ourselves after Jesus who never took his position as and entitlement only as a servant…
As to the original post, it is very insightful, and many human beings suffer from the same… However I think this struggle for women is made more impactful by the patriarchal structures which oppress their aspirations…
Great post. My wife (a PhD student about to be ordained in the Episcopal church) and I have talked about this "imposter syndrome" a fair bit, and I know that it's something she struggles with. We definitely need to find ways that we talk about this reality in a Christian context.
YES. I needed to read this today. And Esther, your follow up comment was so valuable.
"Confession: Sometimes I get really frustrated when people say that being a mom is the highest calling in life. (especially when they are not really listening to the tension I feel between being a mom and also using the other gifts God has given me)"
Feeling that tension w/in my family and in larger community- Feel shame in wanting more, as though I am not human enough to deserve needs met beyond what my family can do for me….
I'm so torn on this topic. As a feminist, I never thought I'd be second-guessing and belittling myself as much as I do. I feel insufficient in so many ways, but I can't really place my finger on why. It could be that I have so many gifts and I know that I'm not living up to them and taking full advantage of them, so I feel guilty. It could also be that when I do try to put those gifts into use, I end up spreading myself too thin and then I know I'm not doing each of those responsibilities justice…guilt again. I have been an incredibly confident and independent woman in the past, but perhaps these humbling experiences may actually be beneficial for a time. Maybe I need to realize that I am a limited mortal being and I can't do everything on my own all the time. I don't think we should feel lesser than we are, but there is some honesty in accepting our shortcomings and failures. This pride thing is a thin balance.
Mike wrote 'Why can’t church be the one place where they can get a break, have some adult interaction, and use some of their other gifts? Why is it so hard to get older parents or empty-nesters to step up and say “We know that you’re stressed out and tired of being with your kids all the time, so let us bless you by watching them for a little bit.”
That makes me laugh in a slightly bitter way. When my kids were very small and still in the nursery I was very involved in youth ministry, actually the second down from the Youth Pastor; I co-taught Sunday School, etc. My husband ran the Jr. High program. We were up to our eyeballs with the teens and tweens. And … we loved it. Every year I'd get a call from the woman who ran the Nursery program asking me when I wanted to be on the schedule for my time in the Nursery. Every year I flat out refused and we would get into a fight about it. The way I saw it, I and my husband were putting in an easy 15 hours per week on the older kids … someone else could come in and do an hour for us once a month, dammit. Plus … yes, I was done being with my kids 24-7 and needed that break on Sunday mornings. The last thing I needed was to sit with them and 15 more just like them cooped up and away from adults. I desperately needed to have time with grown ups and to sing and whatever else was going on. The irony was I liked the woman who ran the nursery and we got along the other 11 months of the year just fine. My husband would usually make the peace and sign up for some time or other … but I never did. It was the principle of the thing.
Really good thoughts Mike – I could use a break from the kids, thanks for noticing
Mike, I hear where you are coming from, and I do mind other people's kids, but I feel a bit like middle aged people, especially women, can be put into boxes too e.g. useful only as babysitters. Nobody likes to be seen as a category, rather than as a fully orbed person of value.
Some of us have trail-blazed for younger women and taken awful blows in that process. Some of us are still doing so and paying a price, so please don't do what others who oppose women in any kind of ministry do, and assign us to domestic duties only. Perhaps we are called to preaching or pastoral care, not childcare.
Unlike Julie and her generation most of us had no inkling of our possibilities when we were in our 20's, and we certainly didn't have the opportunities then, so we are madly exercising our gifts while we are young enough to have a voice. We need encouragement, not to be sent to creche
Kerry – I never said it only had to be middle-aged women. In our house church back in Illinois, several of the middle-aged and empty-nester men took regular turns watching the kids as well. All I'm saying is that if someone has to watch the kids, why should it be the ones who have to do it every other waking second of the day too?
I never experienced lack of confidence until a couple years ago when I went through a horrible, demeaning, insulting and abusive "realease from ministry" – the abuse was typified by a refusal to even speak to me like an adult and instead going "through my husband" even though I was usually the one who was "in trouble" (mostly for doing things like asking questions). Ever since then I have struggled in a most profound way, ultimately to the point of seeking therapy and having to be on medication for anxiety and depression.
Thanks Mike. My husband and I are both experienced teachers. I am now in pastoral ministry but my husband still works as a teacher and is an exceptionally gifted one. I am often asked to help out with kids one way or the other, yet he is rarely, and the very same dynamic was present when our own children were young. Where I live (Australia) people are very wary about the risk of child abuse in church contexts, and fairly suspicious of men who mind children, which adds to the pressure on women to fill the necessary positions. That is my shaping reality.
So when I assume you mean women, that is because that is what it would mean here.
When I first started reading this I felt as though I was in a time warp. I just came off several days of discussion on another blog that promots a "complementarian" POV. One commenter pointed out how from patriarchal to matriarchal all the views were complementarian–pitting men and women in roles to complement one another but that the egaltarian POV was the balance in the middle (of course the comps–or at least most of them–didn't like being called patriarchal). Anyway,I do understand and have experienced a lot of what you discuss here. Mike–I actually made the suggestion that older parents or singles be asked to do nursery rather than current moms in a fellowship I was a part of several years ago and was told in not so many words that if I wasn't willing to take my turn my children were not invited to use the nursery. Needless to say they (all four) ended up sitting through the service with me instead of going to the nursery/Sunday school. I would not have been good for other people's children. For my children, from a spiritual POV it was a better option anyway.
thank you for putting some of this into words. i think you nailed it when you say that often what happens is once somehow women are utterly broken – as in lose everything or are forced into a painful crisis or just can't not tell the truth anymore–then something shifts and they find the confidence that they need and typically that is always outside of the confines of the church. i have seen this more times than i can count. on the whole, i have not found very many churches that embrace empowering women, infusing them with confidence for who God created them to be. this false humility thing is just that–false. true humility is the willingness to go where God calls us to go even when we are afraid. oh we need men & women who are passionate about cultivating "truth-telling" in our communities to call this out in each other, to fan into flame what's inside, and support and encourage and infuse what confidence we can. i am frankly so mad about all of the confidence carnage i see–so many stripped of what they may have attempted to bring out and now it has left them with so much insecurity and fear and doubts that there's anywhere that will nurture their dreams back to life. i believe God stirs up beautiful stuff for women but they look around & don't see very good models or systems or places to live it out in the church. i am mainly just sad for all the beautiful passionate wise and powerful women who have no places to use their voice, their gifts inside the church. it's why so many i know are trying to find it outside of it, but i think often it's their second choice, the longing to serve and live truthfully inside "the church" doesn't seem to go away. i know so many therapists who really wanted to be pastors (and would have been amazing at it). oh i'm just rambling now but thanks as always for your thoughts.
'My sin is a lack of confidence' – that sentence made me clap my hands in instant recognition of the truth of it in my life. I don't think that an increase of confidence would make myself spread my self to thin, as one response suggested. I think it could be the one thing that stops me from pushing myself too hard too far too long in my attempts to prove to the world and most of all myself that I am not just 'good enough', but as good as a man in my place would be perceived to be. (Not that men are free from a battle with confidence – it's just they express it differently.)So here's to removing the influence of second guessing on my life!!
Kathy – beautiful point about true vs. false humility. If we are truly humble, we will let God use us and not let the expectations and oppression of the world define us.
Lisa – your statement that our doubt benefits the church has been haunting me. the systems we have created for church rely on women not having the confidence to speak up and to be guilted into "our place." This whole conversation about how women must always work in the nursery is so illustrative of that. Having worked in churches as a children's pastor and then as a pastor, I felt that my job was only to serve never to learn. So I recall last year when Pete Rollins was at Journey, I was involved in a great discussion afterwards (with mostly guys since there were so few women there). Someone announced from the back that they needed helpers to clean up the snack area. All the women around me got up to go help clean and none of the guys did. I almost went too, but then decided that no I don't have to always sacrifice me desire to learn and be an intelligent person for the sake of guilt. So I stayed talking with all the men. And of course I felt guilty. But it was a conscious act – an act I'm sure none of the men even had to make.
"Many feminist theologians though believe that while pride may be the common sin of men, for women our sin is lack of confidence. Instead of trying to make ourselves into God, we feel so unworthy that we fail to give all of our gifts to God and this world. And yet, we still are instructed over and over again in how to be humble – resulting in women staying silent out of fear of being assertive (prideful), putting disparaging disclaimers before all of our ideas, and shutting ourselves out of opportunities for success, pleasure, friendship, and service because we feel like it would be too forward of us to assume we are equal to interacting fully with our peers."
I've been wrestling with this paragraph since it was first posted. I want to share my struggle in a way that adds to the conversation, rather than takes away from. The last thing I want is to try to take away the reality of this struggle for women by appropriating it as a man. The problem is that the sense of unworthiness being described is my story, too.
I want to ask whether the divide between those operating out of pride and those out of shame is best described by gender lines. While the ruling class is mostly (though not at all entirely) made up of men, it is still a small subset. I would guess the larger group of men experience church quite similarly to what has been described in this article, especially if you include those men who respond to their insecurity by avoiding church and dropping out.
Caedmon – feminist theologians don't say that these things fall entirely down strict gender lines. They use terms like "masculine" or "feminine" as sociological categories, but acknowledge that both men and women may struggle with either pride or self-abasement depending on their particular realities. However, in general, it is safe to say that it is more common among women and other oppressed minorities (though again, not exclusive to them). Furthermore, I would suspect that the dynamics of it are different for them, given that it's not just personal insecurities they are dealing with, but a huge amount of societal pressure and patriarchal norms besides.
Mike put it very well
Thank you so much! I have tears in my eyes from reading your words, and have never ever replied to a posting — but your thoughts, and heart echoes touched my life and my living so deeply I have to stop and say YES YES YES . . . thank you for expressing beautifully what so many are barely able to reach down, dig out and even look at. I come from this previous breaking the barriers generation where we were/still are! just excited to hear the words feminist and theologians put together — as if one must identify their gender as they declare their gift and trade — yet we had to and then frequently had to duck to avoid the reactions.
God bless you and your words, your courage — and how did it feel to look at that First Lady with those Arms?!? –after all, that's always our "real" question, isn't it?
Great post !
Too many women, far far too many women whom I know have expressed similar things (in and outside of the American Evangelical context).
Lots of guys also have those feelings. But guys are always told "Be a man. Suck it up. Don't be such a woman, keep your feelings to yourself. A real man doesn't worry about those things."
Women are expected to have emotions and listen to them and it's socially preferred that women have mental issues. While guys are told to not inner-reflect and to ignore emotions. Guys, especially fathers and husbands, are supposed to be "the rock" that a family is built on, so even when a guy wants to talk about these feelings, it's hard to find someone who will listen and not just tell him to grow up.
The cause of these feelings has nothing to do with gender or God. But the reliance on fitting in with society has a big impact on how individuals deal with those feelings and how they manifest. Everyone has these feelings. If you are around people who do not help your self-esteem, you simply have to get out, although society may look down on it and gossip, it is your life.
And just to show how universal this feeling is, look at all the successful Japanese businessmen who jump out of buildings because they made a mistake and can't handle the possibility that their family will be ashamed of them. Exact same feeling, but different religious and social views.
I haven't read this amazing of a post in many many months, perhaps not ever. It was amazing because it is so true, and also amazing because I had never thought in those terms. It had me wanting to scream YESYESYES and then cry for a very long time, because it describes so perfectly the feelings I've had for years.
I'm 33. I'm a once-ambitious professional (and a Christian woman, shockingly!) with 2 and 4 year old sons. I still work professionally in an 80% appointment, which means my career is essentially stalled. That's a struggle, but I've had to accept that it is right for this time and to leave my future to God to use the gifts he's given me – either in career, or ministry, or both, as he sees fit. Oh, and I'm moving out of our childrens' ministry into another area that fits better with my gifts – and fortunately my church is supportive.
Esther:
“Confession: Sometimes I get really frustrated when people say that being a mom is the highest calling in life. (especially when they are not really listening to the tension I feel between being a mom and also using the other gifts God has given me)”
Esther – you nailed it. I'm sure being a mom is the highest calling in life for some people. For me, it's a high calling. But there is so much in me that yearns for other things. I know I need to discipline myself – I can't always be chasing yearnings. But at the same time, some of them are God-given, so…?
Ashley D:
"I feel insufficient in so many ways, but I can’t really place my finger on why. It could be that I have so many gifts and I know that I’m not living up to them and taking full advantage of them, so I feel guilty. It could also be that when I do try to put those gifts into use, I end up spreading myself too thin and then I know I’m not doing each of those responsibilities justice…guilt again. I have been an incredibly confident and independent woman in the past, but perhaps these humbling experiences may actually be beneficial for a time. Maybe I need to realize that I am a limited mortal being and I can’t do everything on my own all the time. I don’t think we should feel lesser than we are, but there is some honesty in accepting our shortcomings and failures. This pride thing is a thin balance."
Ashley – yes, there's that too. Being a mom, with all its limitations on my productivity and possibility, is a totally character-developing experience. I know God is using it and will continue to refine me through it. But MAN do I chafe against the limitations that being a mom brings in my life. I just have to trust that God is working all things together for the good of my life and his kingdom, and that those other gifts will be polished up and used for his kingdom in an even more amazing way because of what I've learned from being a mom.
Carrie
Julie, just started reading your blog and I enjoy your writing. I appreciate vulnerabilities you expressed. The other comments were also vulnerable and touching.
I can certainly relate to the "imposter syndrome." Something about church sets us up to hide our flaws, usually from fear of being judged. At the same time we judge ourselves harshly too.
I wonder if it's possible to have high standards to which we hold each other accountable, and at the same time extend grace and acceptance? We know we should, but it's hard to get that right. I sure don't give it to myself in the right balance.
Interesting, insightful post. Glad to have stumbled on your blog.
Thank you. This post put into words something I have been struggling with myself.
Wonderful, liberating writing! Wow! Thanks.
When Kathy wrote: i am mainly just sad for all the beautiful passionate wise and powerful women who have no places to use their voice, their gifts inside the church.
there was something in me that twitched uncomfortably at "powerful women" and I was reminded how debilitating a fear there is in so many church circles of strong women. Sad. I've been called controlling and have known women who've been called Jezebels. Yikes. I think Jesus liked strong women.