Loving Our Neighbor and Ourselves
Listening to the message at church this morning was a reminder of the tension the presentation of our beliefs often puts us in. Sometimes in affirming one thing it can appear that one is negating or ignoring other equally important and necessary beliefs. I know I do it all the time – create an either/or scenario when something is really both/and.
So at church Rick led a discussion about serving others. You know the whole first shall be last we are called to humble ourselves and serve thing. I obviously affirm all that, but a comment from someone bothered me a bit. She talked about how in devoting ourselves to others – giving up of ourselves – we are then filled as our cups overflow. The point wasn't an economic exchange (we give in order to get), but more of an example of how God sustains those that serve. It's the whole "it's not about me" message.
I'm all for the whole love your neighbor/serve others thing, but I can't affirm that such things are necessarily all you need to "fill one's cup." I'm a mom with young kids. I serve my kids 24/7, but as much as I love them and would do anything for them I can't say that doing so is what fills me up. Absolutely and utterly drained is the more common feeling these days. I guess some could say I just have the wrong sort of attitude or am too selfish, but I think there is more that is needed. I can't do this all the time – I need rest, I need a Sabbath. I need to be the person God created me to be. I need to love myself as well as love my neighbor. It sounds selfish (and it very well can be), but I think it is part of this both/and message that needs to be told. A good number of us do need to be told to get over ourselves and to serve – others though need to be told to care for themselves and rest. Both are needed – neither should be ignored or exalted.
It reminded me of recent conversations I've had with Mike on feminist theologians' conceptions of sin. In traditional conceptions the greatest sin is that of pride. To seek power and prestige is condemned and humility and service encouraged. Yet in feminist and other theologies of the oppressed, the greatest sin becomes allowing oneself to be walked over. One does not love oneself enough to lead. I see the truth there. And how these sins are presented depends both on the audience and the presenter. So it is dissonant for those who have never held or sought power to be told to relinquish it and serve. They are made to feel guilty for sins they have never committed, all the while failing to fulfill their calling in other ways.
The last shall be first and the first shall be last. We must love our neighbors and ourselves. We must be humble servants and leaders. We must serve actively and seek to rest. The tension is there always and it's hard to present paradox without tipping the balance to one side or the other.
julieclawson(at)gmail(dot)com 
somehow we do seem to misread the commandment to 'love your neighbor as yourself.' as women we seem to be the caregivers; we take care of lots of folks in lots of ways. and yet… we don't take care of ourselves. how can we love others if we don't love (read 'take care of') ourselves first. it's the whole 'put on your own oxygen mask first, then help those around you' thing.
we've got to get beyond thinking that taking care of ourselves is selfish; it isn't. it's necessary for us to be able to keep giving.
i'm glad you pointed this out. it's a good reminder. it's a shame you couldn't go on the retreat last weekend since we talked about sabbath… and took one for ourselves. good post!
you rock. you're right.
the woman who made the comment is a single mom with two boys in early adolescence, a teacher, an artist. i see her point, that god back-fills as we serve. but it's hardly transactional, and it's iffy most of the time, at least in specifics.
how to balance the two out? it's easier for those of us without small children in the house. seriously. you get a pass because you have small children and a husband returning to school.
i say, don't worry about serving anyone else; just survive. i'm serious.
i need to read more feminist theology. i need all the insights i can get.
The basic idea is not original with me, though I don't have the slightest clue where or what I read or saw that first started my mind down this path. But perhaps more subtly and underlying both pride and allowing yourself to be walked over, we fail to trust God. We fail to trust that he is who he is, that he will provide, and that he has created us as we should be. Even in the garden story, we see the first seed to take root is one of distrust. When we trust God, we are less likely to need to buttress ourselves with pride. When we trust God, we are more likely to live as his good creations even if others attempt to treat us as less — however that may play out.
As with any such thought, it can be stretched too far and cannot cover everything. But I think trust may take us farther than pride typically has.
well, if I had any doubts about feminist theology, this sealed it….the greatest sin is to allow oneself to be walked on???WTF???? What do you do with Jesus turning the other cheek? What do you do with so many, many of the verses in the Bible that speak of giving up your rights??? The ones that don't even mention gender…
Yup..I'm a traditionalist. Pride IS in fact the mother of all sins. Thank you for, in a weird sort of way, confirming what I believe. I just thought I was maybe being uncharitable. Now I know I am not. This is just about the most ludicrous thing I have ever ever in my life read in the name of theology. And if this is the reasoning that you are using to promote the ordination of women, I DEFINITELY see now the fruit that comes of that. Give me a MAN in leadership any day.
Flame away: you really have distorted thinking. You know, they say people will eventually reveal their hearts if you watch them long enough. And you just have. Like I said, thank you for inadvertently confirming to me that traditionalists are in fact, onto something.
Great post, Julie! My parents have spent over 20 years in missions and somehow the mission field is a perfect microcosm for what you are talking about: people believing that by giving and giving God will fill them up and eventually burning out because of it. I've seen it too many times not to take the second part of that verse "loving yourself" very very seriously. Its also something I try to emphasize over and over again with the Resident Assistants I work with: they have to give themselves time to stop, to get away, to be alone, to rest, to care for themselves. Otherwise they will end up being both ineffective because there is nothing left to give after awhile and depressed from buying into a skewed view of success.
p.s. Happy Thanksgiving from Canada. One of the things I'm thankful for is great blogs to read! :]
Julie…great post. When I was in class Friday, the Feminist Theology on sin really resonated with me. Feminist Theology does not have an agenda other than to be recognized as beloved, equally created as children of God, as men. What was discussed in lecture is the question of what becomes opposition, for any of us, man or woman, to grace and to our relationships with others. It's all about relationship. We do not exist in a bubble. In this theology, the other end of the spectrum of active, self-centered and domination-type sinful behavior is the behavior that suggests complete passivity, ultra-submissiveness, doormat syndrome, and extreme self-deprecation; hence, one not seeing himself or herself as having any worth, even in God's eyes. Humility, or Christ's example of turning the other cheek, is an active expression of love not self-hatred as this type of sin suggests. As I said before, these ideas stayed with me. I am someone, like many women out there, who look to others for my own self-evaluation, and don't feel put together enough, don't feel smart enough, or "what-ever" enough. My self-deprecating sense of humor is something I regard as one of my best features.
. But, am I really mocking God and what God so perfecting and lovingly created. And, how does this viewpoint of myself manifest itself. Could this be the reason, I sometimes feel that I am not taken seriously. It all comes full circle…that's what the feminist theologian is talking about in regards this other form of sin.
And, Julie, for me, serving others means respecting someone. It means caring. It means giving them, realistically, what they need. I have to remind myself, it also means giving someone the benefit of the doubt (but not excusing bad behavior) and living in community with others. The acts of taking care of each other in small, which end up to be very big ways. The last should be first and first should be last and giving yourself up for others has to do, in my viewpoint, with the aspect of moving away from complete self involvement to opening up to examining how we interact with each other….something that should not be tiring but natural….
Best~
Laurel
Scott – it is all about trust and following God – to shut out the messages and lies the world feeds us (from whatever direction) and choose to be who god wants us to be.
Rick – it is different at different stages of life. Its not that I'm not serving, but that I need to both serve and rest.
Laurel – it is sad how the messages from the church and from culture get internalized by women in such strange ways. If the church is just speaking to men then the mixed messages women receive explain a lot…
Liz – once again you completely miss the entire point
no, I just don't agree with you. Therefore, it is easier for you to say something condescending like "I missed the point" than to look at it with honest eyes.
@ Liz–The verse says "Love your neighbor as yourself. The point is if we do not love ourselves we have no refrence point from which to love others. Of course, we all know it is possible to cherry pick verses from the Bible and build doctrine from them–Turn the other cheek being case in point–but for what purpose? Liz, your comment was like a lion in waiting. Pride has nothing to do with loving oneself. Behaving uncharitably? "ludicrous" "flame away" "distorted thinking" I'd say yup, especially since the post said nothing about ordinating women or having another good reason for doing so. Quite frankly the Bible can deal quite nicely with that issue itself.
Julie–Lots to think about here–thank you.
I would point out that the command does not say to love your neighbor as you love yourself, even though it often seems to be effectively rendered that way by many. I would also say that's a distortion of the intent and meaning.
Rather, I am to love my neighbor not as I love myself (whether I love myself poorly or well is not directly relevant to the command) but as myself. My neighbor is created in and bears the image of the living and holy God. And we are further created to be in communion not only with God, but with each other. And as I begin a life of Christian practice and discipline, as I begin to love God and love others, I will begin to change as well. It's a process of decades (for me at least), not moments. And it stands apart from experience or what I 'feel' in the moment, though I treasure any transcendent experience with which I might be blessed.
As the journey progresses, I may learn to see myself in the mirror of the other. And I may even learn to love myself properly. But that is the end of the journey, not the beginning.
Because we don't know how we ought to love the other eikon of God, Jesus tells us. He gives us a 'new' commandment. Love others as he has loved us. That's the standard.
I would argue that being too self-focused and trying to learn to love yourself first actually tends to be destructive and harmful. We need to look outward, we need to extend ourselves, and we need to serve. If we can't or won't do that, we don't love others, we cannot love God, and ultimately I do not think we even love ourselves properly, however hard we may try.
The command does not say, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." That would be awful indeed. We do not fix ourselves first and then reach out. Rather, we are healed through communion with God and others through love and service. I don't know much, but it's that vision which drew me into Christianity and which won't let me leave.
Thank you for this post, Julie. My own journey has really resonated with these thoughts. We must care for ourselves in order to care for others properly. I totally agree with the above commenter who used the oxygen mask example. "Love your neighbour" without the emphasis on "as yourself" is where a lot of christians have been so ingrained and burned out because if this mentality. Jesus himself took plenty of time to go away to a quiet place for rest, reflection and prayer. Healthy boundaries around what we can and cannot do are reflective of the life of Jesus. So many times we think that we are somehow necessary for His work.
Again, awesome post!