What's Up With Me
So I seriously feel like I am in la-la land most of the time these days. I'm not blogging or getting into good conversations anywhere near as often as I used to. I'm not reading nearly as much as I used to either (and I have a huge stack of to review books piling up…). So my apologies (mostly to myself) and as my excuse a bit of an update on my personal life.
Some of you may read my baby blog and know some of this stuff already, but I thought I'd give a more general update here as well. Basically I feel huge, miserable, and could be having the baby any day now. Seriously. Technically I am only at 34 weeks (out of 40), but I should mention that Emma was born at exactly 34 weeks. With all of the preterm labor issues I've been having that means that I could be having the baby any time in the next six weeks. While I so don't want a preemie again or the extended NICU stay, I am also really ready not to be pregnant anymore. When I walk into my doctor's office and she look at me pitifully and says "what more can this pregnancy do to you?" I know at least she understands as well.
Let's see. Five months of constant nausea, not eating, and being hospitalized for dehydration. Preterm labor issues for which I have received weekly hormone injections (which really hurt). Serious vertigo and dizziness issues that have restricted my driving and basic standing at all. Heart troubles that sent me for multiple testings by a cardiologist, have me wearing a monitor constantly (which I am having an allergic reaction to), and affect my ability to breathe. My blood tests are all over the place, I have too much amniotic fluid, I am seeing maternal specialists, getting weekly non-stress tests, and taking crazy amounts of pills (something I generally avoid). The specialists don't know if my body can handle being pregnant past 35 weeks or so. So at this point we are trying to reach a balance of what is safe for me and safe for the baby. It is all a bit stressful and crazy and time-consuming. So while I spend most of my time just at home on the couch, I don't always feel well enough to do much of anything. I feel really stupid just laying there trying to make the contractions stop or trying to bring my heart rate down enough so I can actually breathe. I can't take care of Emma any longer and only leave the house if I know I can be sitting at all times (I faint if I stand too long). I'm not sleeping at night, my maternity clothes are all too small, and I lose my breath just walking from the couch to the bathroom. Fun times.
And I feel really stupid and evil complaining about all this and using it as an excuse for why I'm check-out half of the time. Though all of this I'm just hoping and praying for a healthy baby and am very thankful to be having another child. I just hope to be waking up at 4AM to feed a healthy baby soon instead of laying awake struggling to breathe. So much has gone wrong already this pregnancy, but thankfully it's all been with me not the baby. He seems to be happily growing and kicking along (a lot).
Anyway just thought I'd share, give my excuses for my rather sporadic web presence, and ask for prayers in this last stretch. Thanks.
julieclawson(at)gmail(dot)com 
Julie, you've had a really tough time of it. Pregnancy can be difficult enough at the end, but what you've been walking through is so much more so. I will be praying for you, the baby, Emma and Mike!
Will be praying for you, it sounds as though you've been having a tough time.
Julie,
What a tough pregnancy. Praying for God's grace for you in the home stretch. Much as enjoy your blog, you're doing far more important work right now — even as you lay on the couch!
Blessings!
Praying for you. Thinking of you. Just hope everything goes OK.
Damn.
Women are so much tougher than men.
thanks all
Oh, Julie, I am so sorry for what you are going through with this pregnancy. I have not shared your exact set of complications but I have endured very difficult pregnancies and come to that point of "can there possibly be anything more to endure here?", as well as that feeling of "how dare I complain", etc.
I can't wait to hear the great news of your baby's delivery and your return to health and strength.
I haven't read your baby blog so didn't realize it was that rough – I remember your saying that you hoped this one wouldn't be as hard as the last one. Sorry you've had to go through such a hard time. Our youngest was born 7 weeks early and we had a lengthy NICU stay also. It sounds though, like you're getting into the territory where a premature birth won't necessarily mean an extended hospital stay (even while in the NICU we were aware of parents whose kids were born 6 and 5 weeks early who took their babies home within just a few days), and I hope that will be the case for you.
Lord, Thank you for Julie, for her willingness to share her life with others, her willingness to endure and press on! Wow, God, You know best what she needs so I'll just say thank you for this life and for the life of her babe. Bring this pregnancy to a joyous close and restore to Julie's body all that it has needed. Amen
Wow,
It doesn't sound like you have been having much fun at all!
I've been trying to fall pregnant now for 2 years with no luck. After your pregnancy experience I'm half grateful.
Good luck with everything and I'm sure once you hold your precious baby for the first time it will all be more than worth it.
Best wishes,
Kel
Hope it all goes well
Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself and the baby. I'll be praying for you.
I want you to know doing nothing, letting go — it isn't wrong. It can be holy. It is hard. It is an act of faith. It sounds like you give yourself a hard time about not being able to keep up with your own standards at a time you are blessing your baby and the world simply by BEING.
Good luck with the last days/weeks of being pregnant. I wish you a safe and happy birth!